Tulips.
Why? Why did they have Tulips? Derek’s favorite flowers were roses, not tulips.
Looking back on it now, it seems stupid to have focused on that. All I thought about at the funeral has the flowers, that and the fact that when Derek was put in his casket, he was wearing light colors. He looked too normal.
All I focused on was everything that was wrong. So many times during the service I wanted to scream, “It’s all wrong!!! This is the last time I’ll ever see him, can’t you do it right?”
Halfway through the funeral I had to go to the bathroom so I could cry without people showing sympathy for me and acting like they’re better than me just because they aren’t crying. I slammed the door behind me, sinking to the floor. I was immediately crying, I’m not sure if I made any sound. I remember the taste of my own tears. They   tasted like ocean water. I felt so alone.
All I remember after that was when I stopped breathing. I think I got nervous or something. Whatever it was, I blacked out from it.

*: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *

By the time I was able to go a day without crying uncontrollably it had been a week since Derek passed. I got on the bus, and everyone stared at me like I was some new kid. I walked passed my classmates, and they all seemed to whisper things. I heard one whisper, “Well, one freak was wiped out, now we just need to get rid of her,” I can’t believe people can say such terrible things about the death of another human being.
Those five seconds it took for me to get to my usual seat in the back of the bus seemed to take hours.
It seemed so strange, not having Derek next to me. He would always make some cruel joke about one of the normal “Cookie-Cutter” people, as he would say. It was weird, before we were the ones who looked at them funny, and made fun of them. Now it seems like it turned around.
When I was finally at school everyone seemed to notice me. Before I was just one of those people that walked around in the background. I didn’t have a name, I didn’t need one. Now a drunk driver hits someone and everything changes. They all must’ve thought that I was going to kill myself.
All the teachers gave me sympathetic looks like just because my best friend was dead meant I needed reassurance about myself. I got sick of it after a while and hid in an old closet until school got out.
For the next few weeks I went to school, but I didn’t do much. The adults stopped being sympathetic, I was happy about that, and other students stopped whispering. Whenever a teacher asked me a question I would say I didn’t know, and they would leave me alone.
For three weeks, everyone must’ve thought I was stupid, and that I was incompetent. What no one knew was that I felt so upset, I felt like I was drowning, and the feeling of being trapped made it so it hurt to breathe, hurt to eat, made it hurt to live.

*: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *

I sat alone in my dark room for nearly six hours until I decided to do something, but when I walked into the living room, my mother started screaming at me. “Why haven’t I seen you all day?”
“I dunno,” I replied. I kept walking until she grabbed my arm.
“Your teachers called, they said your grades are down. Why is that?”
“’Cause,” I shrugged.
“Why haven’t you been showing up for class? Is this just because of your little friend? Are you really that upset? Or are you just trying to get sympathy from everyone?” Her voice was starting to get louder. She really had a knack for making people want to blow her head off.
“No, I’m not”
“I think you are.”
“Well I told you I’m not!”
I ran out the front door, and into the street. I started running faster. Faster, faster, until I ran faster than I ever had. I got to the playground where I met Derek. I sat on the very same swing. Four weeks after he died, I was still grieving. I meant to visit his mother a while ago, but I never did.
I sat on a bench next to the tree he ran into one day when he was being stupid. All I could do was curl up and cry right where I was. I couldn’t help thinking of the time it happened. The day he died. I remembered.

*: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *

We were walking home from Subway, at about 5:30 at night. Derek was so excited; he couldn’t stop talking about his boyfriend. It was his first. I loved how he could talk about something that so many people would resent like it was the complete normality.
He started saying things like “Now that I have a boyfriend you should get one too!” He was so weird.
Then… almost as if he new what was about to happen, he said, “I’m so happy you’re my friend” and he smiled.
All I heard after that was a screech. Right in front of me he was hit by a drunk driver.
With so many people around me, I had never felt so alone in my life.


*: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *


I guess I had fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was dark. I got up and left the park. I didn’t know were else to go. My grades had dropped, my mother was angry about that, and I didn’t have any other friends to go to.
I kept walking.
At this time of the night all the scum had come out on the streets. There were drunken men, what looked like gangs, and even occasional whores. I never would have thought that my own town could have people like this.
I found a quiet alley, where I settled down and watched the people go by. The occasional corporate worker would walk by and look at me like I was a filthy animal with rabies.
Hunched up in an alley, I must have looked like I was dying. I must have been so tired, because I immediately fell asleep.


*: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *

A morning a few weeks later, I didn’t feel like moving. At all. Not that there was a point. It’s not like if I got up and ran around happily it would change the fact that he’s dead I hated the way I felt for the past few months.
How would I get better? Would I die? Would I run away from anywhere I went with Derek? What would happen?
I closed my eyes, but I kept thinking of things that made me think of Derek.
Then all of a sudden…
“Meow”
There was a cat right at my feet.
I looked at it. It was a female, a pregnant female. She walked right passed me, hardly acknowledging that I was there. She walked slowly to the corner of the alley and lay there for a moment. She started meowing again, this time more urgently.
Could she?
No, she couldn’t.
She was.
She was giving birth. I wanted to help her, but I didn’t know how. I walked to her. I started petting her. Hopefully I was helping.
“It’s okay, don’t worry, you’ll be alright.”
My words seemed to be directed not towards the cat, but towards me.
Something happened. I became confidant that I would get better, and that I would work towards being the way I was before Derek died.
As the mother cat gave birth to a litter of kittens. I realized life goes in circles. People die, and people are born. All hope isn’t lost just because someone close to you dies.
The cat gave birth to four tiny kittens. They were all so small and helpless. The mother was trying to clean them all on her own. The poor kittens must have been so cold. I took of my jacket and wrapped them all up in it. The mother seemed to trust me with her babies. I held the kittens close to my body. As I walked out of the alley and down the street, the mother followed me.
I walked all the way back home. I hoped the door was unlocked. I touched the doorknob, and I seemed to feel safe. I twisted it, and opened the door. Inside was my mother, and Robert, Derek’s boyfriend. The mother cat hid behind my legs.
My mother smiled and ran to me, and as she hugged me, I pushed her away just enough so the kittens wouldn’t get crushed.
“Mom, be careful,” I said harshly
“Why?”
“Look,” I unwrapped my jacket. The tiny kittens were asleep.
My mother gave me a strange look.
I walked past her the mother cat followed me. Robert followed me as I walked up to my room. I walked in my room, waited for Robert and the cat to enter after me, and closed the door.
“What’s with the kittens?” He asked me.
I sat gently on my bed and set down the kittens. As I made a bed for them I replied, “The mother just walked up to me in the streets. She gave birth and I sorta helped her give birth.”
“Oh… Okay.” He didn’t seem to understand.
I pet the kittens. The mother jumped up on the bed, and she curled up next to them.
“I’m going to need some cat food... do you have some?”
“With me?’
“No, at home, you have cats, right?”
“Yeah…”
“Then gimme some.”
“Alright”
I smiled at him. He must’ve thought I was crazy. He slowly got up and left the room.
“Goodbye.” I said to him as he left.
He turned and waved nervously.
I started petting the mother cat while she slept.
“I know, I’ll name you Bele.”

*: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *: ~: *

I started going to school again a few days later. Apparently a new girl started going to school there while I was gone. I heard people making fun of her as she walked passed them in the halls. She was like me on the outside; she wore black, and seemed to be lost somehow.
During lunch, I looked thought the crowded room for her, and I found her sitting all alone in a corner. I walked over to her. She looked at me and turned away. The people at the table next to us started to watch. They all made fun of her so much, but she was actually kind of pretty. She looked like a normal person, with an exception of her hot pink hair.
“Hello,” I had to start talking. I immediately felt like I knew her, “when did you start going to school here? I’ve been out for a long time, so I don’t know”
“Please go away. I just want to sit alone.” She turned away from me.
I could already tell. Someone close to her had died. I don’t know how I knew, but I just knew. I asked.
“Who was it?”
“What?”
“Who died that you love?”
“Why do you want to know?” She seemed irritated.
“Because my best friend just died a few months ago. I know how people act when someone they love dies. So tell me.”
She turned around and leaned in close to me. “My boyfriend. we had been together for a long time, since eighth grade. He got really sick. No one could help him. He passed two weeks ago.”
“Sorry” I took her hand and pulled her out of the cafeteria.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing what Derek and I used to do. Just keep running, and when you run out the front door, run as fast as you can and don’t stop.”
“Okay”
We ran out the front door of the school, I didn’t know which teachers yelled this time, I didn’t care who stared. I had a friend again.
“What’s your name?” I hadn’t thought about it before.
“Kassye. What about you?”
“Lillian.” I replied, and for the first time in three months I laughed. It was a real laugh. Like the way I used to with Derek.
I finally saw the light.